American Samurai

In the mid 80s, a film called American Ninja emerged, exposing Americans for the first time to Japanese martial arts culture. Seven years later someone said, "American Ninja... American SAMURAI!" And that's the movie they decided to make. 

The year was 1992. Cool stuff hadn't been invented yet, but fortunately CGI had also not been invented yet, so everything in this movie is REAL. When the main character pulls a bullet out of his gut, it's REAL. Or it might as well be. Though, sometimes when the scene cuts away, that wound isn't even there. It's the paradox of conventional FX.

I am deep in thought. I am a samurai.

This is the story of white man named Andrew, who was raised by a Japanese samurai master after after his mother and father were killed when their plane crashed in Japan, leaving the infant the only survivor. Despite this, Andrew has no Japanese accent and doesn't appear to speak Japanese. He was raised in English by a Japanese father, and his adoptive brother, Kenjiro (Mark Dacascos), also lacks the ability to speak his native tongue.  You may know Dacascos as the Chairman from Iron Chef America (SPOILER: He's not really a Chairman).

Mark Dacascos knows good eating.

Andrew was taught all of the essential samurai skills, and manages to master the elusive Samurai Sixth Sense, which Kenjiro can't even do, so the father declares that Andrew is his true heir and gives him a magical sword. Kenjiro is fucking pissed, calls Andrew a round-eye, and flashes his big-ass yakuza tattoo and he's all like, "Fuck you, dad!"

I'm all like, FUCK YOU DAD!!!!

Suddenly, it's five years later and Andrew wakes up to his apartment being burglarized by four or five heavily armed men who are trying to steal his sword, which he keeps in a glass case above his fireplace or something. After a brief but intense battle, Andrew winds up shot in the gut, which causes him to lose consciousness but gives him a psychedelic vision that his evil brother is trying to steal his sword.

PSYCHEDELIA TO THE MAX

He comes to consciousness and realizes it was all a dream. His brother isn't trying to steal the sword... he's already stolen the sword. 

Hi-yah! This is not my real sword, but it is my real package.

Hey, don't you think this movie could use an attractive female character? Well, one shows up and goes with Andrew to Turkey for some reason. She has red hair and she fights with Andrew all the time, like a meager rendition of Han and Leia. They fall in love.

"I'm sorry I couldn't find a screen cap of your face, but it's obvious you are hot."

Yata yata, the girl gets captured and Andrew has to agree to fight in a gladiator-style tournament against weapons masters, martial artists, a Texan with a big knife, a viking with a horned helm and battle axe, and, you guessed it, Kenjiro who is using the sacred family sword!

Tex-ass! Kans-ass!

I'm not going to tell you who wins, but there may be a reason this film is not called Kenjiro.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I ded

All in all, a pretty interesting and absurd watch, though parts are boring and it feels kind of rushed. Especially recommended if you have a high tolerance for bullshit and a love for stupid action. 

RATING

Killer Tongue

This obscure gem is a Spanish-British collaboration, set in New Mexico, USA, and filmed in Spain. It's dubbed in because it's shot using largely Spanish actors, except for the inimitable Robert Englund, who plays a prison warden with a bad toupee.

This is not his bad toupee. 

Nothing about this film is good in any conventional sense, but everything about it is great. It's basically the story of some criminals, a meteoroid, some nuns and some poodles. Some kind of object comes into Earth's atmosphere and crash lands in the desert, but not before a chunk flies off and into a woman's soup, giving her a Venom-like body suit and a long, vampiric tongue, and turning her four French poodles into drag queens that do her bidding, mainly by capturing people for her to eat.

She is pretty sexy, if that matters to you. Less sexy when her tongue is killing people or talking to her in a ridiculous New York accent.

There's also a very sexy nun, pictured here with the drag queens.

 

And seen here forcing a criminal to give a gas nozzle head. 

And that dude winds up dead. 

Ridiculous effects, absurd violence, strange and uncomfortable humor, brightly colored sets and costumes. It's really fun and totally bizarro and I can't believe it isn't more well known. 

RATING:

Johnny Suede

Johnny Suede is a movie you've probably never heard of. Considering it stars Brad Pitt, Catherine Keener, Nick Cave, Tina Louise and Samuel L. Jackson that is really hard to believe. But it's true: I watched the movie and they are all in it.

So first things first: What do Brad Pitt and Nick Cave have in common, other than how many letters are in their names?  In this movie HUGE POMPADOURS.

Pitt is the titular Johnny Suede, a young man who is hopelessly lost in the Golden Age of Rock n Roll. He idolizes Ricky Nelson, and everything in his apartment and wardrobe looks straight out of 1957, yet the movie is set in the early 90s, which is, coincidentally, also when it was made.  He wants to form a band that plays music that he "do[esn't] really have a name for" but sounds suspiciously like Ricky Nelson ballads because those are all he ever listens to. He owns two 45s: "Travelin' Man" and "Teenage Idol" by Ricky Nelson. They are both ballads. See? That's all he ever listens to.

Pitt, Jackson and Keener all went on to become pretty famous.
Johnny Suede went on to be totally forgotten.

This is the kind of movie where I can't say too much, because there really isn't much to say. It's something you have to experience. If the idea of Brad Pitt with an immense pompadour walking around a rundown apartment in tighty-whities with his hand down the front doesn't sell you on it, then this probably isn't the movie for you.

This happens more than once in this film.

The plot isn't going to convince you that this movie is cool. The plot is hard to convey. For instance, he and his best friend (who happens to be black, of course) decide it would be great to rob a barber shop, because they probably have like $300 bucks in the register. They don't have a gun, though. So they forget about that idea for a while and go live their lives. Then later, the friend shows Johnny that he got a revolver somehow. But, THEY DON'T HAVE ANY BULLETS!  So they forget about that idea for a while and go live their lives. Then, JOHNNY FINDS A BULLET in a dude's closet while he's painting the guy's house. THEY PUT IT IN THE REVOLVER! Then they never ever again mention robbing the barber shop or anyone else. In fact, no one uses this gun for any ill purpose ever in this movie.

But I swear, the sum is greater than the parts with this one. Something about Pitt's awkward portrayal of this delusional rock n roller is just too loveable not to love.Catherine Keener is also good, as the respectively down-to-earth girlfriend who tries to tame Johnny Suede down. (Spoiler: She kind of does tame him down, but he also punches her. Admittedly, though, she did throw shoes at him a couple of times.)

This happens more than once in this film.

RATING: