Sunday, September 15, 2013


Barbarella is hardly a secret. You probably saw the box a million times at the video store when you were a kid. A lot of people think they've seen this movie, or claim to have seen it, when in reality they've only actually watched a couple of scenes on Saturday Matinee, edited for TV. Still other people are aware that this movie has Jane Fonda in it, and she gets naked no less, and for some reason this makes them want to NOT take the movie seriously and NOT watch it right away.

Ms. Fonda in a million sexy outfits alone is enough reason to see Barbarella, but for those of you who need a little more convincing....
Okay, Barbarella: Queen of the Galaxy takes place super far in the future when love rules and there's no violence of any kind in the "civilized" universe. Everybody has sex with everybody all the time, only you find out that "civilized" people screw by taking a pill and putting their palms against those of their partner, which is a total let down. Luckily Barbarella discovers old fashioned sex with a man who hunts feral children. This hunter wears sort of a bearskin cloak, and you can't tell when he takes it off. That's how hairy he is (Italian). They have sex on some kind of a wind-powered sled, and Barbarella is never the same again.


Barbarella is like the female James Bond of the superfuture and is sent on a mission to find Duran Duran, a renegade scientist who shares his name with the best rock band of the 80s. He's supposedly hiding out on an outlaw planet, so all that stuff about no violence anymore doesn't apply. Not only does Barbarella wear a million different sexy outfits, she also wields a million different super-cool, ultra-retro ray guns.

As can be expected, she doesn't just go from point A to point B with no space ship malfunctions.  Without getting into any sci-fi technical details (because the movie really doesn't), her flying saucer busts up, stranding her on the planet of the feral children. All the feral children are twins and they, of course, tie up Barbarella and sic their evil dolls with nasty, pointy teeth on her to rip at her sexy clothing, especially her stockings.

Luckily she is saved by the hairy guy who I told you she has regular sex with. He likes her because he can see that even with ripped stockings, Barbarella is a woman of class. Accompanying the gent are a couple of Black Guards, who are apparently made of leather shells and are hollow. At any rate, they can whip you real hard and they are pretty scary. They round up the kids in nets and drag them to the city, where they will be put to work doing... (plot hole).

 A whole bunch more stuff happens, like this:

Long story short, it's crazy, psychedelic, nonsensical and sexy. There's really nothing else for a film to be.


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