Shaolin Soccer

Now don't be fooled. Movies about soccer are almost always bad (except Ladybugs which might be the best movie ever. But fuck that Bend it Like Beckham shit). And if you are like me, you generally avoid sports movies.

This is not a sports movie. Well, it is, but it's more of a fantasy kung fu comedy. 

You can expect a lot of kung fu-nny antics like this.

There's two guys: Golden Leg, a former soccer pro who had his knee broken because he threw a game, and Iron Leg, a master of shaolin who seems to spend most of his time collecting cans, wishing for sneakers with no holes in them, and generally being a bum. It just goes to show you, kids, shaolin kung fu just doesn't pay...

You try to get a respectable job with only Shaolin Master as a credential.

...but maybe it can. If these two Legs can just get it together, Golden coaching and Iron shaolining, and beat Team Evil, then maybe everybody will wind up rich.

TEAM EVIL (SPOILER: They are the bad guys and they cheat)

It all gets complicated when Iron Leg sings a song of admiration to a girl with boils all over her face who uses her kung fu mastery to make delicious buns. There's a really bizarre and overly complicated rom-com sideplot here that winds up with the girl shaving her head and saving the day.

"What a beauty."

 If you liked Kung Fu Hustle, this film is just a good and a lot funnier. It relies on totally over-the-top special effects to turn an otherwise b-grade movie plot into a gonzo cartoon of destruction. It pretty much rules. Even my parents liked this one. Fun for the whole family.

RATING:

Zachariah

 

All I should need to say about Zachariah is that it is A) set in the Old West and B) it features Rock bands with electrified instruments.

Seriously. The James Gang. Country Joe and the Fish. The New York Rock and Roll Ensemble. And Jazz great Elvin Jones as a drummer who is the baddest gunslinger in the West.

Other interesting facts: It's loosely based on Hesse's Siddhartha. Apparently the Firesign Theatre adapted it for the screen. It features a young Don Johnson.

Zachariah, Job Cain and Matthew, the best gunshooters to ever shoot.

Some ladies wash and oil up Zachariah for the sex.

Zachariah is a nice guy. He has a friend named Matthew who is also a nice guy. Of course, they get hold of a gun and join up with some bank robbers, who are also Rock musicians. The robbers are better at rocking than they are at robbing, so Zachariah comes up with the idea to use a music concert to distract the townspeople, while he and Matthew rob the actual bank. It works! They get pretty rich together. But they both want more. And so they meet up with a super bad-ass gunslinger who kills any and all who challenge him.

Religious symbolism abounds.

Zachariah and Matthew swear they will always be together. It's almost homoerotic for a minute. In the very next scene they part ways. Zachariah has to go out on his own, fuck a really high class whore, farm with a blind man in the desert and "find himself." Derrrr.

Matt becomes a super badass gunfighter and eventually comes for Zach, who has since laid down his gun. Then something happens and there's a huge confrontation, denouement and end to the film. 

It's one of the few true examples of the Acid Western genre, alongside Greaser's Palace, El Topo, Four of the Apocalypse and Dirty Little Billy. It's got totally surreal moments alongside bizarrely stylized musical elements. I recommend it wholeheartedly.

RATING:

Repo Chick

Repo Chick is a 2009 film by Alex Cox, but it's not a sequel (nor prequel nor postquel nor NyQuil) to his 80s film Repo Man. He still decided to cash in on the name here, and it's safe to say that if you like Repo Man and maybe latter-era John Waters or highly stylized comedies like But I'm a Cheerleader, you will probably like this movie. It's also got some nods to Dr. Strangelove.

This is a pretty good indicator of what this movie is like.

Someone called Jaclyn Jonet plays the titular Repo Girl. She's cute and wears a million cute outfits in this movie, but when I googled her has an exceptionally short filmography, though she does star in some TV series called The Boring Life of Jacqueline. Old Karen Black is in it. That's a pretty good sign. And an even older Francis Bay. Rosanna Arquette shows up, too. Along with Miguel Sandoval and Danny Arroyo.

Yep. A Pink Pith helmet.

It's also pretty evident that no actual sets or locations were used. Everything was green-screened, giving it a low-budget surreality. Like if you dreamt in bad superimposition. A lot of the backgrounds are from model train sets. At first you will cringe, but trust me, this actually works really well for the film.

Rosie Arquette standing in front of toy trains.

It's pretty interesting satire of pop culture, the post-housing market collapse economy and post-9/11 politics. Billboards that say "God Loves Golf" and "Eat Meat." There's a white dread who uses a horrible Jamaican accent. It really has it all.

RATING:

Kamikaze Girls

Kamikaze Girls is a Japanese movie starring two J-Pop stars. If you are into J-Pop you probably recognize them. If you aren't into J-Pop, it doesn't matter, so let's move on.

Kamikaze Girls is a Japanese movie about two cute girls. One is a rococo-obsessed Lolita who can embroider the hell out of shit. The other is a biker gang chick who seems like she would have made a good pair with Fonzie, except her bike is more of a Jetsons Bigwheel. She needs some really good embroidery done on her jacket. Somehow, the two become friends in spite of themselves.

Cute.

Cuter.

The quirkiness of the movie comes across in the way it is told. It's narrated by the rococo Lolita girl and she's clearly deranged, at least by non-Japanese standards. There's also an anime backstory segment, which is entertaining even if you aren't into anime and don't listen to J-Pop.There's some story of betrayal in there, too, but that's not really what I remember about Kamikaze Girls.

This happens.

And this happens.

And this guy is in it.

If you like quirky, highly stylized Japanese movies, there's no reason to not watch this ASAP. If you like cute Japanese girls, there's no reason not watch this ASAP. It's good, it's fun, it's heart warming and it's ridiculous.

RATING:

Cold Feet

If you are like me, in 1989 you weren't paying attention to comedy films that were ostensibly appealing to fans of country music and cowboy attire. But thankfully Netflix deemed to stream this film, and its cover art conveys exactly why you should watch it. Dayglo Country with Tom Waits, Keith Carradine and Sally Kirkland! But that's not all - Bill Pullman, Rip Torn and Jeff Bridges are in this too! It's a movie that's almost a good, clever comedy and almost a total abortion. So it will take some patience from fans of truly obscure cinema.

She paid good money for these things, so dammit, you are gonna see them. 

Okay, there's a plot to smuggle jewels from Mexico by sewing them into the belly of a horse. Once Carradine, Waits and Kirkland get to Montana--where Carradine's responsible, honest and gullible brother Bill Pullman lives--they are going to cut the stallion open and split the loot. But Carradine is not honest, and he steals the horse and splits. Waits is not exactly sane, so he comes after Carradine with Kirkland in tow. The two travel in a Winnebago and Waits spends most of his time pacifying Kirkland with food and protecting her from sex with radioactive miners. 

Yeah, that's Jeff Bridges as the bartender. He's in this for like two minutes, but he's a pretty memorable character. 

Tom Waits and Sally Kirkland wear so many great, late 80s outfits that you should probably watch this movie just to see them. Meanwhile, Carradine has reunited with Pullman, giving him a prize stallion (with secret jewels sewn inside his gut) and promising to straighten up and fly right. Of course, all the while, Carradine is making plans to sell the jewels and split. But Waits is just too clever and buys some really expensive boots from a local shop owner to pin down the whereabouts of Carradine. Then Waits makes a big mistake: he throws the expensive boots away, attracting the attention of Sheriff Rip Torn. 

Also, Carradine has a young daughter who has been at boarding school while he's been off doing his outlawry.  They all reunite at Pullman's farm, and then Waits and Kirkland show up, Waits wanting to kill Carradine, Kirkland wanting to marry him. Carradine agrees to marry, because he's a spineless weasel and he wants to stay alive. Waits agrees not to kill Carradine, and hijacks Pullman to lead him to the jewels. Torn disguises himself as a preacher to perform the wedding and arrest all three ne'er-do-wells based on absolutely no evidence. Aw, I guess it's a little complicated to relate here. So I'm just going to post more pictures of Tom Waits.

It's goofy and sometimes almost good. Watch if you love the idea of the cast members in a totally unrealistic cowboy comedy.

RATING:

Executive Koala

I only just recently found out that Executive Koala existed. For high concept weird, it doesn't get much more appealing than a guy in a plush koala outfit and business suit, with eyes glowing and holding an ax in his hand. Look at the DVD cover. That's what this movie is about.

Sort of.

This koala executive lives in a world full of humans. Also a white rabbit and frog appear, but these animal-people are anomalous. But not too bizarre to most of the normals, because people comment on how hairy Mr. Tamura is, but they don't scream, "HOLY SHIT! A GIGANTIC ANTHROPOMORPHIC KOALA!" It's kind of like seeing a black guy in Canada, I guess.

But this is only one prong of the weird. If you made all the characters normal humans, this story would still be completely bizarre.

It's the tale of mild mannered Mr. Tamura, a mid-level exec in a Japanese pickle company, the titular executive koala. His human wife disappeared three years earlier, and then his human girlfriend ends up murdered too. OOOPS. Of course one savvy detective is convinced Mr. Tamura is a killer. Mr. Tamura has no memories regarding the events surrounding the disappearance of his wife. And he totally does not remember murdering his girlfriend. He's in tears. HE LOVED THEM! There's no way this cuddly koala is a killer...

... or IS there? Has he repressed memories of his homicidal urges? It's twist upon twist upon twist upon HUH?

The only problem is that it's not all that interesting. It's definitely the only film of its kind of which I am aware. It's definitely worth a single watch for all fans of weird Japanese stuff. But it's really not as good as it should be.

"I'm not sure why this movie is not better."

RATING: