The Visitor (1978)

Nothing to do with the movie. 

The Visitor is getting a lot of buzz as they've recently re-released it to theaters, which is where I saw it and it was AWESOME. Seeing something like this on the big screen is just indescribable.

Let me describe it for you.

There are very few films like The Visitor. First of all, just take a look at the cast: Mel Ferrer, Glen Ford, Lance Henriksen, John Huston, Joanne Naill, Sam Peckinpah, Shelley Winters and Franco Nero as space-age Jesus Christ.

Shocked speechless by basic information for the rest of the movie.

That's right. Django himself. As the savior of mankind. In space. 

Kardashians got nothing on Katy.

John Huston stars as some kind of galactic warrior who, along with his often misplaced theme music, tracks down the evil children (indirectly?) spawned by some space criminal who sowed his seed all over the universe. He is locked in combat with an eight-year-old Earth girl (played by 12 year old Paige Connor) and her evil pet falcon. How does he conduct this combat, you ask? By going up on a skyscraper roof top, where interpretative dancers cast their shadows on white sheets, and lights dance around like a low budget Close Encounters. In the psychedelic world, he turns her into popcorn or something.

This little girl spends most of her time wreaking havoc at basketball games, gymnastics meets, ice rinks and any other sporting event she manages to attend or compete in. She also cusses out old cops (who seem to be incapable of applying the breaks of their cars when blinded) and generally sasses baby sitters, house keepers and anyone else who can't escape her insidious presence. She's a low budget Damien.

John Huston as Obi-Wan Kenobi.

There's a weird cabal of rich white stuffed shirts who, for no reason ever fully explained, want to control the sex life of the evil girl's mom, using young Lance Henriksen to impregnate her and bring forth a boy child... for no reason every fully explained. They even resort to hiring evil futuristic football players with no faces to kidnap her and implant something in her womb. (SPOILER: It's a baby.) This gives her a great opportunity to reconnect with her ex-husband (Sam fucking Peckinpah) by seeing him for an abortion.

Hint: This is not a homoerotic incest scene.

Then, it sort of turns into The Birds. Birds were apparently the weapon the good aliens used to kill that space criminal guy, "fatally wounding him, in the brain."

Add together the Birds, Close Encounters and the Omen II... and throw in an Italian space Jesus.. and you've got The Visitor.

This movie is full of beautiful, arty, psychedelic scenes that make no sense whatsoever. The plot is so convoluted that it's brilliant. And the dialog... just see this damn thing, already. Or you'll never forgive yourself.

RATING

The Brood

If you like early Cronenberg (and if you don't, you are probably at the wrong blog) then this is a movie you should see, because it is early Cronenberg. It's not exactly a secret, but it's probably an easy one to miss. It slides right under the radar because it's not as popular as Scanners, not as weird as Videodrome and not as Viggo Mortensen as Eastern Promises. 

In The Brood, lots of people get beaten to death with blunt objects (primarily mallets) by weird mutant albino children who seem to be distant cousins of Chaka. 

At least Chaka had teeth and sexual organs. So you know he was a fun date.

Melodrama (or psychodrama, specifically, Psychoplasmics) and body horror abound, and everyone needs a new hairstyle. (See: Early Cronenberg.)

But this film does also contain some really great, disturbing scenes that make it one of the more memorable horror films of the late 70s. Cronenberg was well on his way to becoming a weirdo icon with this one. It might be the first film of his classic era (which ends with Spider, I'd say).

Don't eat the baby.

Oliver Reed turns in a brilliantly bombastic performance, as usual. And it's fun to pretend the little blonde girl in this movie is Carol Anne from Poltergeist. Make a riffing game out of it by quoting classic lines from that franchise. Drink if they don't make any sense in the context of the Brood.

You have something on your face, grandma.

Shockingly, the blood in this film is as tomato-red as any typical 70s schlock, and there is zero attempt to make any of the blunt trauma wounds look realistic. You'd think that might have occurred to Cronenberg, but he certainly puts in a lot of effort into other weirder effects. Like lymphatic chin tumors and boil babies.

Give us better make-up, father!

RATING:

Executive Koala

I only just recently found out that Executive Koala existed. For high concept weird, it doesn't get much more appealing than a guy in a plush koala outfit and business suit, with eyes glowing and holding an ax in his hand. Look at the DVD cover. That's what this movie is about.

Sort of.

This koala executive lives in a world full of humans. Also a white rabbit and frog appear, but these animal-people are anomalous. But not too bizarre to most of the normals, because people comment on how hairy Mr. Tamura is, but they don't scream, "HOLY SHIT! A GIGANTIC ANTHROPOMORPHIC KOALA!" It's kind of like seeing a black guy in Canada, I guess.

But this is only one prong of the weird. If you made all the characters normal humans, this story would still be completely bizarre.

It's the tale of mild mannered Mr. Tamura, a mid-level exec in a Japanese pickle company, the titular executive koala. His human wife disappeared three years earlier, and then his human girlfriend ends up murdered too. OOOPS. Of course one savvy detective is convinced Mr. Tamura is a killer. Mr. Tamura has no memories regarding the events surrounding the disappearance of his wife. And he totally does not remember murdering his girlfriend. He's in tears. HE LOVED THEM! There's no way this cuddly koala is a killer...

... or IS there? Has he repressed memories of his homicidal urges? It's twist upon twist upon twist upon HUH?

The only problem is that it's not all that interesting. It's definitely the only film of its kind of which I am aware. It's definitely worth a single watch for all fans of weird Japanese stuff. But it's really not as good as it should be.

"I'm not sure why this movie is not better."

RATING:

Class of 1984

Never start a job at a new school. That's the teacher's mistake in this film. Everything was fine before a new guy showed up and rocked the boat by demanding normal human behavior. Never try to teach music to punk rockers who aren't even in your class. 

An M. L. Lester film, Class of 1984 is considered a classic of punk rock cinema, and for good reason. It's right up there with the Quincy punk episode. But in tone, it's much more Vigilante than Repo Man, so don't expect wacky shenanigans.

For a movie about a gang of punk rockers, of course you want a punk rock icon like Iggy Pop Billy Idol Richard Hell Alice Cooper to do the theme song. 

There are two main good kids that the teacher considers his allies: Michael J. Fox and a girl who can't seem to get a decent haircut. And nothing is more hilarious to a classful of high school band dorks than Michael J. Fox making irreverent puns. But there are just too many 30-year-old high schoolers who listen to punk rock one time in the film for the new teacher to contend with.

Then the twist comes in: one of the punk rockers, in addition to being an asshole, is a gifted pianist. BIG SURPRISE. Like assholes and pianos don't go hand in hand. But that plot spur goes nowhere.

Then a kid takes some angel dust (AKA whack) and decides he loves America. Climbs a flag pole and winds up dead (but I won't spoil the how for you). The teacher knows that something has got to be done to stop these drug dealing punks once and for all.

 

Then it gets serious: Roddy McDowall makes a move on the teacher and they go for a drink. Big mistake.Someone is going to get hit in the face (the teacher). Someone's car is going to get blown up (the teacher's). A cop informs the teacher it is impossible to prosecute minors, unless you are holding their hand.

Then it's like a scene out of Fight Club. A kid is pretending he's Ed Norton beating himself up in a highschool wash room. There's blood everywhere, especially all over the teacher's hand. But do they suspend the kid? The teacher? NO! No one is suspended. Justice is impossible; it's the early 80s. The only justice is STREET JUSTICE.

Things get personal.

Things get out of hand. "That is [Roddy McDowall] in there. That's not a maniac killer."  But I have to admit, his car stunts are pretty good.

Table saw death. Burning alive death. Crushed by falling car death. Bunny rabbit death. Tchaikovsky. This movie really has got it all. If only the teacher could have taught music to punk rockers, maybe this would all have turned out different.

RATING: