Shaolin Soccer

Now don't be fooled. Movies about soccer are almost always bad (except Ladybugs which might be the best movie ever. But fuck that Bend it Like Beckham shit). And if you are like me, you generally avoid sports movies.

This is not a sports movie. Well, it is, but it's more of a fantasy kung fu comedy. 

You can expect a lot of kung fu-nny antics like this.

There's two guys: Golden Leg, a former soccer pro who had his knee broken because he threw a game, and Iron Leg, a master of shaolin who seems to spend most of his time collecting cans, wishing for sneakers with no holes in them, and generally being a bum. It just goes to show you, kids, shaolin kung fu just doesn't pay...

You try to get a respectable job with only Shaolin Master as a credential.

...but maybe it can. If these two Legs can just get it together, Golden coaching and Iron shaolining, and beat Team Evil, then maybe everybody will wind up rich.

TEAM EVIL (SPOILER: They are the bad guys and they cheat)

It all gets complicated when Iron Leg sings a song of admiration to a girl with boils all over her face who uses her kung fu mastery to make delicious buns. There's a really bizarre and overly complicated rom-com sideplot here that winds up with the girl shaving her head and saving the day.

"What a beauty."

 If you liked Kung Fu Hustle, this film is just a good and a lot funnier. It relies on totally over-the-top special effects to turn an otherwise b-grade movie plot into a gonzo cartoon of destruction. It pretty much rules. Even my parents liked this one. Fun for the whole family.

RATING:

Repo Chick

Repo Chick is a 2009 film by Alex Cox, but it's not a sequel (nor prequel nor postquel nor NyQuil) to his 80s film Repo Man. He still decided to cash in on the name here, and it's safe to say that if you like Repo Man and maybe latter-era John Waters or highly stylized comedies like But I'm a Cheerleader, you will probably like this movie. It's also got some nods to Dr. Strangelove.

This is a pretty good indicator of what this movie is like.

Someone called Jaclyn Jonet plays the titular Repo Girl. She's cute and wears a million cute outfits in this movie, but when I googled her has an exceptionally short filmography, though she does star in some TV series called The Boring Life of Jacqueline. Old Karen Black is in it. That's a pretty good sign. And an even older Francis Bay. Rosanna Arquette shows up, too. Along with Miguel Sandoval and Danny Arroyo.

Yep. A Pink Pith helmet.

It's also pretty evident that no actual sets or locations were used. Everything was green-screened, giving it a low-budget surreality. Like if you dreamt in bad superimposition. A lot of the backgrounds are from model train sets. At first you will cringe, but trust me, this actually works really well for the film.

Rosie Arquette standing in front of toy trains.

It's pretty interesting satire of pop culture, the post-housing market collapse economy and post-9/11 politics. Billboards that say "God Loves Golf" and "Eat Meat." There's a white dread who uses a horrible Jamaican accent. It really has it all.

RATING:

Kamikaze Girls

Kamikaze Girls is a Japanese movie starring two J-Pop stars. If you are into J-Pop you probably recognize them. If you aren't into J-Pop, it doesn't matter, so let's move on.

Kamikaze Girls is a Japanese movie about two cute girls. One is a rococo-obsessed Lolita who can embroider the hell out of shit. The other is a biker gang chick who seems like she would have made a good pair with Fonzie, except her bike is more of a Jetsons Bigwheel. She needs some really good embroidery done on her jacket. Somehow, the two become friends in spite of themselves.

Cute.

Cuter.

The quirkiness of the movie comes across in the way it is told. It's narrated by the rococo Lolita girl and she's clearly deranged, at least by non-Japanese standards. There's also an anime backstory segment, which is entertaining even if you aren't into anime and don't listen to J-Pop.There's some story of betrayal in there, too, but that's not really what I remember about Kamikaze Girls.

This happens.

And this happens.

And this guy is in it.

If you like quirky, highly stylized Japanese movies, there's no reason to not watch this ASAP. If you like cute Japanese girls, there's no reason not watch this ASAP. It's good, it's fun, it's heart warming and it's ridiculous.

RATING:

Executive Koala

I only just recently found out that Executive Koala existed. For high concept weird, it doesn't get much more appealing than a guy in a plush koala outfit and business suit, with eyes glowing and holding an ax in his hand. Look at the DVD cover. That's what this movie is about.

Sort of.

This koala executive lives in a world full of humans. Also a white rabbit and frog appear, but these animal-people are anomalous. But not too bizarre to most of the normals, because people comment on how hairy Mr. Tamura is, but they don't scream, "HOLY SHIT! A GIGANTIC ANTHROPOMORPHIC KOALA!" It's kind of like seeing a black guy in Canada, I guess.

But this is only one prong of the weird. If you made all the characters normal humans, this story would still be completely bizarre.

It's the tale of mild mannered Mr. Tamura, a mid-level exec in a Japanese pickle company, the titular executive koala. His human wife disappeared three years earlier, and then his human girlfriend ends up murdered too. OOOPS. Of course one savvy detective is convinced Mr. Tamura is a killer. Mr. Tamura has no memories regarding the events surrounding the disappearance of his wife. And he totally does not remember murdering his girlfriend. He's in tears. HE LOVED THEM! There's no way this cuddly koala is a killer...

... or IS there? Has he repressed memories of his homicidal urges? It's twist upon twist upon twist upon HUH?

The only problem is that it's not all that interesting. It's definitely the only film of its kind of which I am aware. It's definitely worth a single watch for all fans of weird Japanese stuff. But it's really not as good as it should be.

"I'm not sure why this movie is not better."

RATING:

Funky Forest: The First Contact

Where to start with Funky Forest? First of all, it's Japanese. Secondly, it's a collaboration of three different film makers. Third, it's really really long. You'll be watching the first half thinking, "Okay, this is pretty weird and pretty good but this dance number is going on a little too long," and then you hit an intermission. That's right. This movie has an intermission, so get up, take a piss and fix yourself another gin and tonic, because the second half is going to blow you away.

The first half of the movie largely delves into the absurdities and foibles of normal human life. The second half causes you to suddenly realize that the story is actually taking place in the most bizarre version of Earth imaginable -- even weirder than actual Japan.

Sure, Guitar Brother is going to bring a smile to your face, maybe even make you snicker. But if you aren't laughing your ass off in wide-eyed amazement by the end of Do You Want to Go For a Drink? then you are seriously reading the wrong blog. I love weird, bizarro shit. The weirder the better. And this movie was so weird I could hardly believe it. Weirder than Eraserhead. And more fun to watch.

The Unpopular with Women Brothers

There are probably a few too many musical/dance bits, but just sit back and let them wash over you. You are taking part in Funky Forest. And you are never going to be the same afterward.

RATING: